"A statesman who is enamored of existing evils as distin-quished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others."

"Painting n: the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."

"Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope."

"Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for."

"Abstainer: a weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."

"Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure."

"Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay."

"Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."

"Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible."

"You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps."

"Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience."

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."

"Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."

"Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire."

"God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past."

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

"An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me."

"Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"His act was rather that of a harmless lunatic than an enemy. We were not so new to the country as not to know that the solitary life of many a plainsman had a tendency to develop eccentricities of conduct and character not always easily distinguishable from mental aberration. A man is like a tree: in a forest of his fellows he will grow as straight as his generic and individual nature permits; alone, in the open, he yields to the deforming stresses and tortions that environ him."

"OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader."

"Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic."

"Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably out to be. His chief occupation is the extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada."

"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another man's resemblance to ourselves."

"Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."

"Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence."

"Women and foxes being weak are distinguished by superior tact."

"Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows."

"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent."

"Responsibility n: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God Fate Fortune Luck or one's neighbour. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star."

"Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead."

"Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."