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"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."
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"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
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"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."
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"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."
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"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"
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"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
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"New York is a sucked orange."
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Personal Development
"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."
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"Time is a waste of money."
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Personal Development
"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."
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Personal Development
"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."
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"Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white."
Art
"Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."
Religion
"Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization."
Civilization
"That sovereign of insufferables."
Judgment
"Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour."
Religion
"Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."
Art
"Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money."
Money
"Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility."
Business
"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Humor
"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."
Humor
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