"The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it."

"It's a play where something went wrong, 'Cause it's five hours, twelve minutes long. If you sit there, my friend, From beginning 'til end, Then your bladder better be strong!"

"When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents."

"Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else."

"In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world."

"I had moved out of the Edison Hotel because I couldn't pay the bill and was living at the Lincoln Hotel, where I couldn't pay the bill either, but it was cheaper."

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, Way up tall, There's a land where they've never heard of cholesterol."

"I have always lived beyond my means. I am still trying to live beyond my means, but it is getting harder all the time. I am very rich."

"You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes."

"I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren't meeting either."

"Well, you might as well imitate your own program because if you don't, someone else will."

"Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck."

"They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee."

"Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage."

"Even if Scrabble had been invented then, I wouldn't have wanted to play Scrabble, because the highest triple word score in the world would not have expressed how much I liked the game Natalie and I played every afternoon."

"Our act started at the bottom and went downhill."