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"He's sort of a homeless horse, I said.'I'm leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won't be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don't want that horse in my apartment.'Who would put a horse in an apartment? That's dumb.'Where's the horse staying now?'My apartment.'I can always count on you to brighten my day, Ranger said. And he disconnected."
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"Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended."

"Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down."

"Especially while television I think is going through some growing pains or is in need of - I think current comedy is a bit, uh, not happening, you know?"

"All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us."

"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."

"Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. 'How does he always get food stuck to him?' I asked Morelli. 'I don't know,' Morelli said. 'It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure.'-Morelli And Stephanie."
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"I like the way you've let your hair go curly,' he finally said. 'Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,'Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum."

"There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls."

"So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?''Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back."

"When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: 'She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank."

"Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. 'How does he always get food stuck to him?' I asked Morelli. 'I don't know,' Morelli said. 'It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure.'-Morelli And Stephanie."

"Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,' I said to Ziggy.'I'll try,' Ziggy said, 'but it's a hard habit to break."

"Sure, he was attracted to her, but women always had to go beyond that.Women [had] nesting fantasies. It wasn't long before they wereredecorating your apartment and criticizing your choice of mustard."

"You took your clothes off?''You didn't notice?''No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you.''If you look under the covers, you'll know me better.''I don't want to know you better!''That's a big fib,' Diesel said."

"In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment."
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