"What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."

"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."

"I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework."

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."

"The best mind-altering drug is the truth."

"The problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat."

"There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic."

"I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain."

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing."

"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."

"It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company."

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"

"If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."