"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions."

"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"

"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body."

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."

"To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy."

"Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?"

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."

"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born."