"Quick. Name ten dead redheads."

"If your life had lyrics, would they be any good?"

"The universe hands you opportunities for a while, and if you don't take them, the universe says to itself, 'Oh I see, this person doesn't like opportunities' and stops giving them to you."

"Tofu hot dogs are actually scarier than real hot dogs. It's like wanting the worst possible meat product without even the thrill of it actually being meat."

"If our subconscious was attractive, we wouldn't have to bury it down deep within us."

"We're rapidly approaching a world comprised entirely of jail and shopping."

"Failure is authentic, and because it's authentic, it's real and genuine, and because of that, it's a pure state of being."

"The harder you try to become the opposite of your parents, the more quickly you become them."

"You can only fall in love six times in your life. Choose wisely."

"If someone decides to be a musician now, it means because there is no hope of money at the end of it, it means they really want to be a musician. And if someone is writing now, there is no hope for money at the end of it."

"Nature is one great big wood-chipper. Sooner or later, everything shoots out the other end in a spray of blood, bones and hair."

"It's difficult to speak with beautiful people. No matter how hard you try to pretend otherwise, you still want them to like you."

"New York is a theme park for people with IQs over 108."

"Flying dreams mean that you're doing the right thing with your life."

"High school is such a shared experience in North American culture."

"Big companies are like marching bands. Even if half the band is playing random notes, it still sounds kind of like music. The concealment of failure is built into them."

"Everybody past a certain age, regardless of how they look on the outside, pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives."

"It's weird when people start sentences with 'frankly' - as if their other sentences don't count."

"Sometimes failure isn't an opportunity in disguise, it's just you."

"Forget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence."

"There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off."

"Feeling unique is no indication of uniqueness."

"I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?"

"There are three things we cry about in life, things that are lost, things that are found, and things that are magnificent."

"It's very strange that most people don't care if their knowledge of their family history only goes back three generations."

"The modern economy isn't about the redistribution of wealth, it's about the redistribution of time."

"Most people have no idea how to politely answer a phone. The English do, and it's been their only major business advantage for the past two centuries."

"I think money is due for some sort of collapse. People are going to realize that money has a half-life, like radioactive elements."

"Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking."

"It also allows you to look as though you're not particularly from the present, future or past, either."

"There's much to be said for feeling numb. Time passes more quickly. You eat less, and because numbness encourages laziness, you do fewer things, good or bad, and the world's probably a better place for it."

"Your ability to rationalize your own bad deeds makes you believe that the whole world is as amoral as you are."

"Is there anything in the world more annoyingly creepy than an unspoken dress code?"

"Birds are a miracle because they prove to us there is a finer, simpler state of being which we may strive to attain."

"What exactly is it that humans do that is specifically human? There has to be something. How odd it is for billions of people to be alive, yet not one of them is really quite sure of what makes people people."

"I think the killers get far too much attention."

"God is what keeps us together after the love is gone."

"Making eye contact with adults while dressed as a clown is risky."

"I have trouble with seafood because it tastes like a dock."

"If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween."

"Human beings are the only animal that thinks they change who they are simply by moving to a different place. Birds migrate, but it's not quite the same thing."

"Every human being you see in the course of a day has a problem that's sucking up at least 70 percent of his or her radar."

"I want pills called September 10. You take one and your mind feels like the 11th never happened."

"You wait for fate to bring about the changes in life which you should be bringing about by yourself."

"Only losers make decisions when things are bad. The time to rejig your life is the time when it's seemingly smooth."

"You can't get mad at weather because weather's not about you. Apply that lesson to most other aspects of life."

"Your brain forms roughly 10,000 new cells every day, but unless they hook up to preexisting cells with strong memories, they die. Serves them right."

"Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room."

"I think that in the future, clocks won't say three o'clock anymore. They'll just get right to the point and rename three o'clock 'Pepsi.'"

"Eagles are seagulls with a good hairdo."