"I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing."

"Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it."

"Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist."

"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough."

"By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live."

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

"And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school."

"You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage."

"The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17."

"They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle."

"I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games."