"Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down."

Comedy, Humor, Reality, Observation, Irony

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"Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down."

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"Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke."

Joss Whedon, American Writer

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"I hate comedy... Yo...-yo bitch."

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"I never watch comedies they suck if something sucks it sucks there isn't doubt about it."

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"Have a chocolate-covered raisin, he said."They look like rat droppings, said the Chair.The Dean peered at them in the gloom."So that's it, he said. "The bag fell on the floor a minute ago, and I thought there seemed rather a lot."

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"Are you out of your goddamn mind? You think we can take on two hundred soldiers? I know I am an extremely attractive man, J, but I am not Bruce Lee."Who's Bruce Lee?"Who's Bruce Lee? Kenji asks, horrified. "Oh my God. We can't even be friends anymore."Why? Was he a friend of yours?"You know what, he says, "just stop. Just-I can't even talk to you right now."

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"I got everybody on my side through comedy."

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"I had to stop myself from laughing. Who needs help taking a pill?"

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"I basically did comedy there for about a year, and then moved to New York. If I had it to do over again, I would have booked myself on the road for at least a year."

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"The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin 'Tubby' Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole."

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"Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart."

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Explore more quotes by Eoin Colfer

"Orion nodded, then asked, 'Dwarf cheese?'Cheese made by dwarfs.'Oh, said Orion, relieved. 'They make it. It's not actually . . .'No. What a horrible thought.'Exactly."

Humor

"Today he became a killer, or else a corpse."

Life

"Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa,' intoned Opal, finishing her chant. 'Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs."

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"A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old."

Genius

"The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end."

Adventure

"Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional."

Expectation

"All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket."

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