"No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes."

Humor, Woman, Husband, Life

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"No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes."

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"Got a lot of sinful idears--but they seem kinda sensible."

John Steinbeck, American Author

Humor, Sin, Idea, Truth

"Laughter comes later, like wisdom teeth. And laughter at yourself comes last of all in a mad race with death. And sometimes, it isn't in time."

John Steinbeck, American Author

Humor, Laughter, Wisdom, Mortality

"Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness."

Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian Philosopher

Humor, Cleverness

"Pessimist - one who when he has the choice of two evils chooses both."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

Humor, Pessimism, Evil, Choice, Irony

"Pardon my French if you're a religious man.''I am,' Bill said, grinning.'Then get outta my cab and go to fucking church,' the cabbie said, and they both burst out laughing."

Stephen King, American Author

Humor, Faith, Truth, Wisdom

"Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? Youtake delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.""You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. Theyare my old friends. I have heard you mention them with considerationthese last twenty years at least."

Jane Austen, British Writer

Humor, Marriage, Family, Nerves

"The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Beginning, Word

"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Ambrose Bierce, American Journalist

Humor, Love, Insanity, Marriage

"You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country."

Robert Frost, American Poet

Humor, Country, Right

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, April, Fool, Day

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"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."

Humor, Husband, Wife, Trust

"Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it."

Humor, Horses, Technology, Irony, Past

"There are a hundred thousand useless words in the English language but they come in handy in college football yells."

Humor, Words, English, College, Communication

"English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though."

Humor, English, Language, Understanding

"We were awfully poor. But we had a lot of things that money can't buy . . . like unpaid bills."

Humor, Poverty, Money, Life

"A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl - and work like a dog."

Humor, Thinking, Act, Work

"Being of sound mind I spent every cent I ever had."

Humor, Mind, Money, Life, Finance

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Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Got a lot of sinful idears--but they seem kinda sensible."

"Laughter comes later, like wisdom teeth. And laughter at yourself comes last of all in a mad race with death. And sometimes, it isn't in time."

"Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness."

"Pessimist - one who when he has the choice of two evils chooses both."

"Pardon my French if you're a religious man.''I am,' Bill said, grinning.'Then get outta my cab and go to fucking church,' the cabbie said, and they both burst out laughing."

"The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word."

"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

"You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country."

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

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"When you blame others you give up your power to change."

"With friends like you - who needs enemas."

"Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will but it didn't work for the rabbit!"

"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."

"Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it."

"There are a hundred thousand useless words in the English language but they come in handy in college football yells."

"English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though."

"We were awfully poor. But we had a lot of things that money can't buy . . . like unpaid bills."

"A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl - and work like a dog."

"Being of sound mind I spent every cent I ever had."