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"I never wanted to do political satire because it seems too surface to me."
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"There's nothing as useful as the truth, in terms of ruining anyone's day, week, month, year, decade, or life Unless, of course, you own a remotely operated automatic flamethrower-drone-tower and have some marinated pork-chops on your person, to lure unsuspecting dogs in close proximity to it, but since dogs don't really have lives - by using this specific method of torture, you can only improve the remaining few seconds of their existence."

"As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died."

"You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor." a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?"

"U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House."

"Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature."

"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."

"If more Africans had eaten missionaries, the continent would be in better shape."
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"You become so encapsulated in this world of being a star. People listen to what you say, you have this voice, it becomes unreal and you become far removed from the people you came from."


"I love John Waters. There's stuff in it that's beyond the boundaries of my taste, but his movies have always been like that."


"I don't get very involved in the L.A. scene. When you do get invited out, you are expected to be on all the time. It's just wearying."


"Work is important to me. I want to do things for principle, not just for the sake of doing them."


"I worked with Paul McCartney for a while and saw what it does to you to be treated like a god for twenty years."
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