"It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now."

"I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes."

"Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period."

"I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do."

"If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins."

"I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see."

"I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form."

"I hate all sidekicks."

"I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians."

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."

"90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on."

"I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything."

"I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage."