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"If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins."
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"A gold book, fastened together in the shape of a book by wires of the same metal, had been dug up in the northern part of the state of New York, and along with the book an enormous pair of gold spectacles!"

"Gold and silver, like other commodities, have an intrinsic value, which is not arbitrary, but is dependent on their scarcity, the quantity of labour bestowed in procuring them, and the value of the capital employed in the mines which produce them."

"There is no brilliant single stroke that is going to transform the water into wine or straw into gold."

"Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside."
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Explore more quotes by Patton Oswalt

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."

"I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything."

"I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians."

"I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form."

"90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on."

"Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period."

"I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage."
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