"As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office."

"Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention."

"Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented."

"I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil. And that no one knows the truth."

"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to."

"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults."

"It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America."

"The thing about democracy, beloveds, is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion."

"Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful."

"I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years."

"Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse."