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"Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful."
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"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
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Personal Development
"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."
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Personal Development
"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."
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Personal Development
"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"
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Personal Development
"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
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Personal Development
"New York is a sucked orange."
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Personal Development
"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."
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Personal Development
"Time is a waste of money."
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Personal Development
"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."
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"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults."
Love
"It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America."
History
"Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful."
Satire
"Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention."
Time
"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to."
Politics
"I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil. And that no one knows the truth."
Truth
"The thing about democracy, beloveds, is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion."
Democracy
"Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented."
Politics
"Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse."
Being
"As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office."
Money
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