"Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday."

"Thou shalt not commit adultry is a command which makes no distinction between the following persons. They are all required to obey it: children at birth. Children in the cradle. School children. Youths and maidens. Fresh adults. Older ones. Men and women of 40. Of 50. Of 60. Of 70. Of 80. Of 100. The command does not distribute its burden equally, and cannot. It is not hard upon the three sets of children."

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation."

"Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for -- annually, not oftener -- if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man's side, consequently on the Lord's side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments."

"Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities."

"It gave an appalling idea of the value of an hour, and I thought I could never waste one again without remorse and terror."

"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat."

"One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a women is, until after considerable acquaintance with her."

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

"We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents."

"Yes, King Edward VI lived only a few years, poor boy, but he lived them worthily."

"Children and fools always speak the truth."

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

"Ethical man - a Christian holding four aces."

"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."

"Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out."

"Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter."

"Supposing is good, but finding out is better."

"All generalizations are false, including this one."

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven."

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."

"Good friends good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other."

"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats."

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

"You can tell German wine from vinegar ... by the label."

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

"The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an unappeased bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again on this side of the grave."

"Yes - en I's rich now, come to look at it. I owns myself, en I's wuth eight hund'd dollars. I wisht I had de money, I wouldn' want no mo'."

"Man is the only Patriot. He sets himself apart in his own country, under his own flag, and sneers at the other nations, and keeps multitudinous uniformed assassins on hand at heavy expense to grab slices of other people's countries, and keep them from grabbing slices of his. And in the intervals between campaigns, he washes the blood off his hands and works for the universal brotherhood of man, with his mouth."

"She said all a body would have to do there [Heaven] was to go around all day long with a harp and sing, forever and ever."

"There are those who would misteach us that to stick in a rut is consistency and a virtue and that to climb out of the rut is inconsistency and a vice."

"Necessity is the mother of taking chances."

"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough."

"A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape."

"There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded."

"Prosperity is the best protector of principle."

"A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat."

"In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

"Yes, I am of old family, and not illiterate. I am a fossil." "A which?" "Fossil. The first horses were fossils. They date back two million years."

"I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly."

"A consciously exaggerated compliment is an offense."

"The thing for us to do is just to do our duty, and not worry about whether anybody sees us do it or not."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"The air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, bracing and delicious. And why shouldn't it be?--it is the same the angels breathe."

"Never let your education interfere with your learning."

"To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, "Our Country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?"

"Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."