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"Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?"
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."
God
"From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way."
Now
"Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery."
Winning
"Genius is never understood in its own time."
Time
"If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life."
Life
"Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?"
Time
"That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder."
Science
"So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it."
Food
"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
Thought
"Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend."
Friendship
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