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"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
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"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
Computer
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
Sports
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
Car
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
Love
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
Birthday
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
Cause
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
Saying
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."
Letters
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
People
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"And the invention of transformations of certain figures has become the most important in musical composition."
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Personal Development
"Wonderful invention, the phonograph. Keeps a man alive long after he's dead."
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Personal Development
"Television has some lovely aspects to it - and some ghastly aspects - but the theater itself was a wonderful invention."
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Personal Development
"It is obvious that anything a scientist discovers or invents is based on previous discoveries and inventions. The same applies to the arts."
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Personal Development
"As far as I'm concerned, the essentials of jazz are: melodic improvisation, melodic invention, swing, and instrumental personality."
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Personal Development
"Most of them are doomed to rapid extinction, but a few may make evolutionary inventions, such as physiological, ecological, or behavioral innovations that give these species improved competitive potential."
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Personal Development
"Melodic invention is one of the surest signs of a divine gift."
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Personal Development
"An invention has to make sense in the world it finishes in, not in the world it started."
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Personal Development
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
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Personal Development
"We are not a Zappa cover band. We only play Frank's songs that were recorded by the Mothers of Invention and I think a lot of those songs were complex."
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Personal Development
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