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All Quotes Collection
"Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white."
16
"Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."
22
"Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth."
47
"Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead."
13
"Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."
11
"Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age."
13
"Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
25
"Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience."
13
"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."
Man,
55
"Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire."
22
"Doubt is the father of invention."
55
"Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible."
20
"Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship."
66
"Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure."
15
"Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on."
Act,
22
"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
50
"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."
15
"Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."
Man,
19
"Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for."
31
"Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers."
49
"Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."
19
"Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."
15
"Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
17
"Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope."
14
"Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient."
51
"Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table."
58
"Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination."
18
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
15
"Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy."
58
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent."
16
"Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed."
14
"I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats."
46
"I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London."
25
"History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."
55
"Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."
27
"Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things."
14
"Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own."
17
"Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured."
47
"Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."
50
"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth."
43
"Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."
47
"Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity."
17
"Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking."
61
"Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge."
16
"Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money."
17
"Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery."
53
"An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me."
45
"Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish."
50
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