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"I look like Walt Disney just threw up."
Disney
"If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!"
Man
"I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States."
President
"If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife."
Wife
"I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around."
Car
"You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards."
Confession
"If I were like your mother, I would be a woman."
Mother
"Never interrupt me when I'm eating a banana."
Eating
"What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess."
Chess
"If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian."
Rap
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"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If you would have a good wife, marry one who has been a good daughter."
Author Name
Personal Development
"He knows little, who will tell his wife all he knows."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Do you want to be an artist and a writer, or a wife and a lover? With kids, your focus changes. I don't want to go to PTA meetings."
Author Name
Personal Development
"In Hawaii, we go to this wonderful place, all families. My wife and I go directly from breakfast to a beach chair where we read all day. My daughter goes from water to pool to running around with friends she meets, some of whom are regulars there."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The only thing I feel passionate about is my wife."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I think my wife saw a picture of the rock group Journey, and they're kind of aging, and the one guy had dyed blonde hair with black roots, and... my idea was to get a little earring, I wanted to have a dangling earring."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The show can go on without me, and probably will, but I want to come back to act in Chicago. My wife and I just bought a condo downtown, and I want to do theater."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I board with a poor Scotchman: his wife can talk scarce any English."
Author Name
Personal Development
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