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"If I wouldn't have spent so much time shooting spit wads at my English teacher, I'd know how to punctuate. Good thing I normally write poetry."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"Turn thy crown upside down! You need to feel how it is to kneel as those less fortunate than your noble deal."
Humility
"If you see my fifteen minutes of fame let me know I've been searching for it for years."
Fame
"My mind is like a Zoo with no cages... Watch where you step."
Creativity
"A lot of people us the internet searching for fifteen minutes of fame I've been on it so long and so often I need fifteen minutes of Freedom."
Freedom
"The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean."
Psychology
"There is a dead space between most people and those afflicted with Mental Illness and it's called Understanding."
Mental Health
"If you have a warm and caring heart, you're loved ones will ensure you never depart. For long after you've turned that final page you'll still be right there on center stage."
Legacy
"When it comes to most true bipolars, consider this thought: Genius by birth, bipolar by design."
Mind
"I love Religion it's the cheapest place to buy Guilt, Fear,Sin and Doubt."
Religion
"When you try to cast doubt on the relationship of two true lovers.You'll find a bond that you'll never discover."
Relationship
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