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"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."
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"Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality."
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Personal Development
"You cut life to pieces with your epigrams."
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Personal Development
"After having so nobly disentangled themselves from the shackles of Parental Authority, by a Clandestine Marriage, they were determined never to forfeit the good opinion they had gained in the World, in so doing, by accepting any proposals of reconciliation that might be offered them by their Fathers, to their farther trial of their noble independence however they never were exposed."
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Personal Development
"America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."
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Personal Development
"The dead can be even more frustrating to deal with than are many of the living, which is astonishing when you consider it's the living who run the Department of Motor Vehicles."
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Personal Development
"The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square."
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Personal Development
"I love talking about nothing, father. It is the only thing I know anything about."
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Personal Development
"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
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Personal Development
"An honest politician is an oxymoron."
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Personal Development
"This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth - ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!"
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"Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use."
Language
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
Wisdom
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
Wisdom
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."
Wisdom
"Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do."
Life
"Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority for any town?"
Society
"One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning."
Learning
"I had to have company -- I was made for it, I think -- so I made friends with the animals. They are just charming, and they have the kindest disposition and the politest ways; they never look sour, they never let you feel that you are intruding, they smile at you and wag their tail, if they've got one, and they are always ready for a romp or an excursion or anything you want to propose."
Friendship
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
Humor
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
Happiness
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