"The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in 'calories,' which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none."

Food, Humor, Health, Sarcasm

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"The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in 'calories,' which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none."

Exlpore more Food quotes

"Everyone would talk about their diets and working out and what it made me do was go to craft services where all the food for the cast and crew was and I would eat."

Kristin Davis, American Actress

Food, Talk

"A full fridge is like an empty one: What am I going to eat?"

Bangambiki Habyarimana, Rwandan Author

Food, Choice, Hunger, Decision

"New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin."

Mark Twain, American Author

Food, Sin, Crime, Enjoyment

"If I can wake up everyday before I die and know that I don't have to serve anyone food or drinks, I will be happy!"

Kelly Clarkson, American Musician

Food, Drinks, Will

"When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself."

Tecumseh, American Leader

Food, Life, Strength, Fault

"In a drama of the highest order there is little food for censure or hatred; it teaches rather self-knowledge and self-respect."

Percy Bysshe Shelley, English Poet

Food, Censure, Drama, Hatred

"How is it that mercury is not safe for food additives and Over the Counter drug products, but it is safe in our vaccines and dental amalgams?"

Dan Burton, American Politician

Food, Mercury

"Put your nose into the Bible everyday. It is your spiritual food. And then share it. Make a vow not to be a lukewarm Christian."

Kirk Cameron, American Actor

Food, Christian, Bible, Spiritual

"We provide food that customers love, day after day after day. People just want more of it."

Ray Kroc, American Businessman

Food, Love, People, Day

"If you go out to dinner with someone, you find out what they prefer in food. We ought to be able to have a conversation to find out what people prefer when it comes to sex."

Betty Dodson, American Educator

Food, Sex, People, Conversation

Explore more quotes by Dave Barry

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

Circumstance

"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."

Aging

"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."

Television

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."

Humor

"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."

Now

"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."

Statistics

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."

Dance

"Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash."

Driving

"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."

Humor

"I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase."

Travel