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"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
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"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
Computer
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
Sports
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
Car
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
Birthday
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
Cause
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
Saying
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
Ability
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
Time
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
Time
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"We cannot measure time. We can only measure changes of life and the universe."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I wouldn't ask too much of her,' I ventured. 'You can't change the past.''Can't change the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why of course you can!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Life is a bubble in the ocean of time. At the same time, it can hold all the water of the ocean in her heart."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Wouldn't it be amazing if you could travel into the future, see where you messed up, and then go back in time to rearrange things in order to make your future better? You can. If you can foresee regret, you can mind-travel to the future. If you can train yourself to mind-travel effectively, you can intentionally affect your future by doing something about it today."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Author Name
Personal Development
"A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."
Author Name
Personal Development
"God had infinite time to give us.... He cut it up into a near succession of new mornings and with each therefore a new idea new inventions and new applications."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time is the greatest and longest-established spinner of all. ... His factory is a secret place his work noiseless and his hands are mutes."
Author Name
Personal Development
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