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Eoin Colfer

"Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't."

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"Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't."

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Asa Don Brown

"Look, he's winding up the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike."

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Asa Don Brown

"Gabe scratched his double chin. "Maybe if you hurry with the seven-layer dip...And maybe if the kid apologizes for interrupting my poker game."Maybe if I kick you in your soft spot, I thought. And make you sing Soprano for a week."

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Asa Don Brown

"She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner."

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Asa Don Brown

"He who has provoked the lash of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it."

Wit,
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Asa Don Brown

"If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.""David, I think you just made a joke."He frowned, utterly perplexed. "Did I?"

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Asa Don Brown

"Digression is the soul of wit. Take the philosophic asides away from Dante, Milton or Hamlet's father's ghost and what stays is dry bones."

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Asa Don Brown

"And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compliment? "Of course I am, Lightsong said. "My dear, have you ever known me to make an inflammatorily ridiculous statement without providing an equally ridiculous explanation to substantiate it? "Of course not, she agreed. "You are nothing if not exhaustive in your self-congratulatory made-up logic. "I am rather exceptional in that regard."

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Asa Don Brown

"You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope,' I replied."

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Asa Don Brown

"Great men may jest with saints 'tis wit in them But in the less foul profanation."

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Asa Don Brown

"Artemis: 'Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre.'Myles: 'In Paris.'Artemis: 'Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?'Beckett: 'Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?'Myles: 'I agree with simple-toon.'Artemis: 'No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'Beckett: 'Itchy what?"

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"Some people just needed to be stolen from."
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"I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal."
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"I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?"
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"Good. Illegal is always faster."
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"The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end."
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"Ambition had a price, and that price was friendship."
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"Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana."
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"All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket."
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"A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon."
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Eoin Colfer
"Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?"
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