"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Humor, Saying

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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

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"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Police, Interaction, Social

"I liked that he was a tenured professor in the Department of Slightly Crooked Smiles with a dual appointments in the Department of Having a Voice that Made My Skin Feel More Like Skin."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Personality, Identity, Education

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

Veronica Roth, American Author

Humor, Sun, Birds, Morning

"O, that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember, that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."

William Shakespeare, English Dramatist

Humor, Truth, Life, Identity

"In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor."

Chuck Palahniuk, American Novelist

Humor, Drama, Social, Behavior

"Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Crime, Duty, Irony

"I just don't- Ronan. My ears are bleeding!"Ronan turned down the music."

Maggie Stiefvater, American Author

Humor, Music, Pain, Friendship

"Ben, if you get pee in my brand-new car, I am going to cut your balls off."Still peeing, Ben looks over at me smirking. "You re gonna need a hell of a big knife, bro."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Friendship, Warning, Relationship

"It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it."

Maggie Stiefvater, American Author

Humor, Observation, Consciousness, Behavior, Privacy

"Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes."

John Green, American Author

Humor, Judgment, Language, Truth

Explore more quotes by Mark Twain

"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."

Wisdom

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

Truth

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

Patriotism

"Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat."

Wisdom

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."

Wisdom

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

Humor

"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation."

Humor

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Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared."

"I liked that he was a tenured professor in the Department of Slightly Crooked Smiles with a dual appointments in the Department of Having a Voice that Made My Skin Feel More Like Skin."

"What is it with you today? says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face."Oh, you know, I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping.She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

"O, that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember, that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass."

"In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor."

"Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest to think big."

"I just don't- Ronan. My ears are bleeding!"Ronan turned down the music."

"Ben, if you get pee in my brand-new car, I am going to cut your balls off."Still peeing, Ben looks over at me smirking. "You re gonna need a hell of a big knife, bro."

"It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it."

Explore more quotes by Mark Twain

"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable."

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."

"Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat."

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation."