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"I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished, and he sat down."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"Let us, then, be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving, still pursuing, learn to labor and to wait."
Heart
"I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished, and he sat down."
Humor
"The best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and then forget where you remember it from."
Success
"Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
Blood
"Sometimes I think my writing sounds like I walked out of the room and left the typewriter running."
Running
"Perhaps no mightier conflict of mind occurs ever again in a lifetime than that first decision to unseat one's own tooth."
Decision-Making
"He has a profound respect for old age. Especially when it's bottled."
Age
"They that will not be counseled, cannot be helped. If you do not hear reason she will rap you on the knuckles."
Leadership
"Love and memory last and will so endure till the game is called because of darkness."
Love
"For books are more than books, they are the life, the very heart and core of ages past, the reason why men lived and worked and died, the essence and quintessence of their lives."
Life
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