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"I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished, and he sat down."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."
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Personal Development
"They're both bungholes who think they're too noble to shit."
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Personal Development
"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."
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"Sometimes I think my writing sounds like I walked out of the room and left the typewriter running."
Running
"Psychoanalysts seem to be long on information and short on application."
Information
"They that will not be counseled, cannot be helped. If you do not hear reason she will rap you on the knuckles."
Leadership
"What is success? It is a toy balloon among children armed with pins."
Success
"Everyone needs a warm personal enemy or two to keep him free from rust in the movable parts of his mind."
Enemy
"I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished, and he sat down."
Humor
"Let us, then, be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving, still pursuing, learn to labor and to wait."
Heart
"Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
Blood
"Perhaps no mightier conflict of mind occurs ever again in a lifetime than that first decision to unseat one's own tooth."
Decision-Making
"The best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and then forget where you remember it from."
Success
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