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"Rumours are like sexually transmitted diseases, both are spread by whores."
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"She began stroking my ankles. I considered kicking her in the cunt."

"I'm not a parent myself, but I think the best solution at this point is to slap that child across the face. It won't stop crying, but at least now it'll be doing it for a good reason."

"In fact, in recent years I have become more and more didactic about pubic hair - to the point where I now believe that there are only four things a grown, modern woman should have: a pair of yellow shoes (they unexpectedly go with everything), a friend who will come and post bail at 4 a.m., a fail-safe pie recipe, and a proper muff. A big, hairy minge. A lovely furry moof that looks - when she sits, naked - as if she has a marmoset sitting in her lap. A tame marmoset, that she can send of to pickpocket things, should she so need it - like that trained monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark."

"He was going to take a dive into this lake. He just didn't know it. Cerise rose, finding footing in the soft mud. The water came up to just below her breasts and her wet shirt stuck to her body. William's gaze snagged on her chest. Yep, keep looking, Lord Bill. Keeeeeep looking."

"Why don't I just give you a pair of my panties to hang around your neck? Then whenever you feel jealous, you can wave them at whoever's pissing you off."

"And maybe it was fair; if a book was any good, it was a slap in the face to someone."

"When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?"

"I am provocative, and I admit this. It isn't as if I'm only on the receiving end, a poor, frail little creature. I can be thoroughly nasty when I get going, and I don't pull my punches."

"And I was all, 'Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry.' (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)"
Explore more quotes by Habeeb Akande

"You become a man not when you reach a certain age, but when you reach a certain state of mind."

"The difference between greed and ambition is a greedy person desires things he isn't prepared to work for."
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