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"I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
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"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."

"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."

"The door of Reverend Verringer's impressive manse is opened by an elderly female with a face like a pine plank; the Reverend is unmarried, and has need of an irreproachable housekeeper. Simon is ushered into the library. It is so self-consciously the right sort of library that he has an urge to set fire to it."

"You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps."

"If God were good, why would he create Rush Limbaugh?"
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"Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card..."

"I might have to rescind my no-love rule," she said, a cookie in each hand. "Cookies are my sweet spot.' He smiled. "They're not your only sweet spot."

"I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him."

"How about we give each other everything we can and not blame each other for what we can't."

"There was the amount of time you'd known someone and then there was the way you'd spent that time."
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