"What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin."

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!"

"You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike."

"Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick."