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"Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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"You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!"
Democracy
"The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it."
Money
"People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television."
People
"I believe that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business... my business!"
Business
"Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it."
Humor
"I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person."
Television
"We're just moving along as quick as possible."
Progress
"Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business."
Business
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
Theory
"You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble."
Trouble
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