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"Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the word audience was defined as anyone forced to suffer your company. We young actors were a string of lightbulbs left burning 24 hours a day, exhausting ourselves and others with our self-proclaimed brilliance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Not all. Some of them he probably lectured to death."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There's nothing as useful as the truth, in terms of ruining anyone's day, week, month, year, decade, or life Unless, of course, you own a remotely operated automatic flamethrower-drone-tower and have some marinated pork-chops on your person, to lure unsuspecting dogs in close proximity to it, but since dogs don't really have lives - by using this specific method of torture, you can only improve the remaining few seconds of their existence."
Author Name
Personal Development
"As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We're roughage," Tyger said. "If we don't cause a little intestinal distress, no one knows we're there."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor." a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"The difficulty with humourists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't whichever seems likelier to win an effect."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I blame feminism and Facebook for the death of the American automobile. I'm a Republican, so I blame everything on feminism - or commies."
Author Name
Personal Development
"U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House."
Author Name
Personal Development
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"It is only about things that do not interest one, that one can give a really unbiassed opinion; and this is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless."
Philosophy
"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
Friendship
"Yet ruled he not long, so great had been his suffering, and so bitter the fire of his testing, for after the space of three years he died. And he who came after him ruled evilly."
Tragedy
"I have no objection to anyone's sex life as long as they don't practice it in the street and frighten the horses."
Society
"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives."
Man
"Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there."
Country
"Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope."
Art
"Alas, I am dying beyond my means."
Dying
"A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her."
Love
"I wrote when I did not know life;now that I know life, I have no more to say."
Life
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