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"How did that go [Butler] asked. 'Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age.'Fabulous, said Artemis, his voice dripping with sarcasm. 'We're planning a June wedding."
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"Anyone who is honestly seeking a job and can't find it deserves the attention of the United States government and the people."

"Now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)"

"When two men live together they usually maintain a kind of shabby neatness out of incipient rage at each other. Two men alone are constantly on the verge of fighting, and they know it."

"It's only in the finer points that it gets complicated and contentious, the inability to realize that no matter what our religion or gender or race or geographic background, we all have about 98 percent in common with each other. Yes, the differences between male and female are biological, but if you look at biology as a matter of percentage, there aren't a whole lot of things that are different. Race is different purely as a social construct, not as an inherent difference. And religion - whether you believe in God or Yahweh or Allah or something else, odds are that at heart you want the same things. For whatever reason, we like to focus on the 2 percent that's different, and most of the conflict in the world comes from that."

"This is what you do now to give your day topography--scan the boxes, read the news, see the chain of your friends reporting about themselves, take the 140-character expository bursts and sift through for the information you need. It's a highly deceptive world, one that constantly asks you to comment but doesn't really care what you have to say. The illusion of participation can sometimes lead to participation. But more often than not, it only leads to more illusion, dressed in the guise of reality."

"If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry."
Explore more quotes by Eoin Colfer

"Excuse me, Tex,' the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits."

"What's this?' he inquired, none too pleasantly. 'A circus?'No, Julius. It's the end of the circus.'I see. And these are the clowns?'Foaly's head poked through the doorway.'Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?"

"Orion nodded, then asked, 'Dwarf cheese?'Cheese made by dwarfs.'Oh, said Orion, relieved. 'They make it. It's not actually . . .'No. What a horrible thought.'Exactly."

"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."

"Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building."

"Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down."

"Me,' Artemis blurted. 'I'm the nut.'Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.'I'm the nut!' Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said."
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