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"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."
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"Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter."

"The difference between a 'man' and a 'father' is that the former shares his genes, but latter gives his life."
Explore more quotes by Ambrose Bierce

"Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due."

"Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking."

"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."

"I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats."

"Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."

"Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table."
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