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"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled."
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Personal Development
"Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too."
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"Words fashioned with somewhat over precise diction are like shapes turned out by a cookie cutter."
Writing
"I wanted to be bored to death, as good a way to go as any."
Death
"My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too."
Family
"There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you."
Nothing
"The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music."
Music
"Celibacy is the worst form of self-abuse."
Society
"Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults."
Marriage
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
Humor
"It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us."
God
"I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
Love
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