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"Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own."
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"Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index."
"I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the word audience was defined as anyone forced to suffer your company. We young actors were a string of lightbulbs left burning 24 hours a day, exhausting ourselves and others with our self-proclaimed brilliance."
"There's nothing as useful as the truth, in terms of ruining anyone's day, week, month, year, decade, or life Unless, of course, you own a remotely operated automatic flamethrower-drone-tower and have some marinated pork-chops on your person, to lure unsuspecting dogs in close proximity to it, but since dogs don't really have lives - by using this specific method of torture, you can only improve the remaining few seconds of their existence."
"As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used tarot cards instead of playing cards. That's right, it's true! Apparently no one noticed until someone laid down a full house and the dealer died."
"We're roughage," Tyger said. "If we don't cause a little intestinal distress, no one knows we're there."
"You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor." a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?"
"The difficulty with humourists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't whichever seems likelier to win an effect."
Explore more quotes by Jonathan Swift
"As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense."
"If Heaven had looked upon riches to be a valuable thing, it would not have given them to such a scoundrel."
"Although men are accused of not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps few know their own strength. It is in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of."
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