"Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38."

People,

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"Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38."

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"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

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"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

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"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

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"I hope that people will finally come to realize that there is only one 'race' - the human race - and that we are all members of it."

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"I'm not sure whay I've been drawn to this subject, except that murder is a subject that has always drawn people for as long as people have been telling stories."

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"If you ask a hundred people, they all give you different answers."

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"In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are."

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"One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide."

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Explore more quotes by Artie Lange

"Whiskey will always be a part of my life."

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"A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian."

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"By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long."

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"I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say."

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"Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time."

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"And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard."

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"I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust."

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"I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking."

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"When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs."

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"Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that."

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