"I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on."

"So little time and so little to do."

"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath."

"The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too."

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."

"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember."

"I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself."

"A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it."

"I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy."

"Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision."

"Once Dwight Eisenhower makes up his mind, he's full of indecision."

"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."

"I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself."

"I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin."

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."

"Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character."

"I have no trouble with y enemies. But my god damn friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night."

"There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side."

"Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel."

"I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin."

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left."