"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern."

"You always pass failure on your way to success."

"I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years."

"A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short."

"I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me."

"Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day."

"When I say I do, the justice of the peace replies, 'I know, I know...'"