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"How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don't know how to use it?'Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don't attack me,' said Maladict patiently.Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn't be any good with it,' said the sergeant.No, sir. I'd probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That's what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I'd get hell from the League if I did that, sir."
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"I'd paralyze anyone who wanted to hurt me."

"Have you ever wondered what a witness is? It's someone who has died, who lives in heaven and watches over the lives of those she loved. That's what I do. I watch you. I cheer you on. I hurt when you hurt."

"I'll find you. There is no place in this world you can hide from me. I'm watching.Love, Dimitri."

"If you want to have a big and strong church, then you need to build a prayer wall of defense in the spiritual realm..."

"Travellers scowl at us, and countrymen give us scornful names. 'Strider' I am to one fat man who lives within a day's march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town in ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly. Yet we would not have it otherwise. If simple folk are free from care and fear, simple they will be, and we must be secret to keep them so."

"This song is for my Molly, who is the best fucking thing that s ever happened to me. Also, for those suicidal idiots sending her fan mail asking her to run away with them, I will hunt you down and rip off you nuts."

"I am the mother that bore you, and your sorrow is my agony; and if you don't hate her, i do'Then, mother, you make me love her more. She is unjustly treated by you, and I must make the balance even."

"One of the best protections against disappointment is to have a lot going on."

"He was being about as protective as a can-opener."

"I'm the one who will always watch over you. Always be there to fuck you back to your senses when you need it, the one who will never let you die. I pull my shirt over my head and kick off my shoes. 'What more could a woman ask?"
Explore more quotes by Terry Pratchett


"Mind you, the Elizabethans had so many words for the female genitals that it is quite hard to speak a sentence of modern English without inadvertently mentioning at least three of them."


"Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent."


"I get depressed with these fluffy dragons and noble elves. Elves were never noble. They were cruel bastards. And I dislike heroes. You can't trust the buggers. They always let you down. I don't believe in the natural nobility of kings, because a large percentage of them in our history have turned out to be power-crazed idiots. And I certainly don't believe in the wisdom of wizards. I've worked with their modern equivalents, and I know what I'm talking about."


"The smug mask of virtue triumphant could be almost as horrible as the face of wickedness revealed."


"He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination - but at the end of the day they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips. If it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato."


"Maurice watched them argue again. Humans, eh? Think they're lords of creation. Not like us cats. We know we are. Ever see a cat feed a human? Case proven."


"Granny Weatherwax had a primal snore. It had never been tamed. No one had ever had to sleep next to it, to curb its wilder excesses by means of a kick, a prod in the small of the back, or a pillow used as a bludgeon. It had had years in a lonely bedroom to perfect the knark, the graaah, and the gnoc, gnoc, gnoc unimpeded by the nudges, jabs, and occasional attempts at murder that usually moderate the snore impulse over time."


"Never trust any complicated cocktail that remainds perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds."
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