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"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
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"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
Party
"Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years."
Controversy
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
First
"Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion."
Exhaustion
"This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
Popular
"In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have."
Cure
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
Success
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
Woman
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
Marriage
"Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood."
African
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"Single women have a dreadful propensity for being poor. Which is one very strong argument in favor of matrimony."
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Personal Development
"It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before."
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Personal Development
"There are few virtuous women who are not bored with their trade."
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Personal Development
"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."
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Personal Development
"The faces of most American women over thirty are relief maps of petulant and bewildered unhappiness."
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Personal Development
"I'm always rather nervous about how you talk about women who are active in politics, whether they want to be talked about as women or as politicians."
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Personal Development
"We say that slavery has vanished from European civilization, but this is not true. Slavery still exists, but now it applies only to women and its name is prostitution."
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Personal Development
"Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked."
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Personal Development
"I hate women because they always know where things are."
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Personal Development
"Alas, I am a woman friendless, hopeless!"
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Personal Development
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