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"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
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"Much of the demand for women in combat comes from female officers who are eager for medals and promotions."

"I like working with actresses, and I like women a lot, not for obvious reasons, but just in that that there's so much about what they bring to the scene that keeps it so interesting. Their instincts are so different, and they never explain them to you."

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."

"Genteel women suppose that those things do not really exist about which it is impossible to talk in polite company."
Explore more quotes by Conan O'Brien

"Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity."

"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"

"Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion."

"Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans."

"In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani."

"President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003."

"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."

"President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards."

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
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