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"Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. 'That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table."
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"You will definitely reap whatever you have sown."
"To Reap The Result Of Destructive Behavior Is To Do Evil."
"I figured, what harm could come from a little bit of fun? Crabs. The Canadian girl gave me crabs."
"The ants are bad" The Bear"the ants?"Tahir"Do not be fooled. They look very small, so harm you don't think of then at all. Then years. Then one day you wake up, and your home has fallen down." Osman."
"He thought about it for a minute. The kitty was only around seven thousand give or take a gold tooth and some coinage " minus the ship " which must've been worth well, a lot more than seven thousand, even in scrap metal. An alarm was going off somewhere, faintly."
"He who destroys another person to succeed in life will have destruction awaiting him at the post of his success."
"Some women would not have contracted an STD or STDs had they not been on the pill."
"The idea of death has been associated with the fear of the unknown, and the punishment or reward for our life choices. There is no punishment, and there is no reward. We punish ourselves instantly, when we choose to be destructive. We reward ourselves, when we choose being our loving selves."
"All too often, the rabbit hole is as deep as you have dug it."
"Sending everything they touch to the grave is what they do, but they don't see it as a grave mistake, yet."
Explore more quotes by David Sedaris
"Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it."
"I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the word audience was defined as anyone forced to suffer your company. We young actors were a string of lightbulbs left burning 24 hours a day, exhausting ourselves and others with our self-proclaimed brilliance."
"Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, 'Yikes! What the hell happened?"
"I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself."
"Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you."
"The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, 'I want to love, I want to live..."
"Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you're not drinking. 'Oh, I just don't feel like it this morning.''Why not?''I guess I'm not in the mood?''Well, this'll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.''No, really, I'm OK.''Just taste it.''Actually, I'm sort of...well, I sort of have a problem with it.''Then how about half a glass?"
"I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer."
"If you are any kind of an artist, then validation can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway. Because you're just wired that way. It's so engrained, it's such a part of your personality that you don't just stop doing it."
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