"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."

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"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."

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"Only those who want everything done for them are bored."

Billy Graham, American Clergyman

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Confucius, Chinese Philosopher

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"I don't want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me."

Doug Coupland, Canadian Author

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"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

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"They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday."

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"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."

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"We all want to thank Emmitt for allowing us to enjoy every yard."

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Explore more quotes by Andy Rooney

"Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of."

People

"I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?"

Government

"Death is a distant rumor to the young."

Death

"I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points."

Time

"As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book."

Humor

"The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread."

Government

"Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads."

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"Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens."

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"All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law."

Man

"I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you."

Government