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Andy Rooney

"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."

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"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."

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"Only those who want everything done for them are bored."

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"Tyrants seldom want pretexts."

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"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say."

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"If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance."

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"So basically it's very simple: to start with, if you want to win the match, you shouldn't be afraid of him. There are still many, many things to do, but above all this is the most important: Don't be scared of him!"

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Andy Rooney
"Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose."
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Andy Rooney
"When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper."
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Andy Rooney
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
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"Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens."
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"People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe."
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Andy Rooney
"I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you."
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Andy Rooney
"The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread."
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Andy Rooney
"Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads."
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Andy Rooney
"Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives."
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Andy Rooney
"As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book."
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