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"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
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"God is not an Almighty Being watching over life on earth. God is the Event Horizon of Human Consciousness."
"Baptists are very strong believers that the civil magistrate is ordained by God to punish those who do evil."
"God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest."
"I am both stunned and appalled that Pat Robertson would claim to know the mind of God concerning whether particular events... were the judgments of God."
Explore more quotes by Joan Rivers
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
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