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Emo Philips

"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

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"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

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Amber Hurdle

"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

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Amber Hurdle

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

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Amber Hurdle

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I hope that people will finally come to realize that there is only one 'race' - the human race - and that we are all members of it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I'm not sure whay I've been drawn to this subject, except that murder is a subject that has always drawn people for as long as people have been telling stories."

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Amber Hurdle

"If you ask a hundred people, they all give you different answers."

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Amber Hurdle

"You can be around 100 people and be completely alone. People don't realize what it's really like."

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Amber Hurdle

"In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are."

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Amber Hurdle

"With most people disbelief in a thing is founded on a blind belief in some other thing."

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Amber Hurdle

"One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide."

Explore more quotes by Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
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Emo Philips
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
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Emo Philips
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
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Emo Philips
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
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Emo Philips
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""
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Emo Philips
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
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Emo Philips
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
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Emo Philips
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
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Emo Philips
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
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Emo Philips
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
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