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"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
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"It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other."
"He makes people pleased with him by making them first pleased with themselves."
"People are always good company when they are doing what they really enjoy."
"Prune - prune businesses, products, activities, people. Do it annually."
"Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they've had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have."
Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
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