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"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."
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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."
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Personal Development
"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"
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Personal Development
"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
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Personal Development
"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
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Personal Development
"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."
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Personal Development
"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."
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Personal Development
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"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk."
Humor
"Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met."
Wisdom
"My favorite animal is steak."
Humor
"In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy."
Politics
"To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
Attitude
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."
Humor
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
Humor
"Andy Warhol made fame more famous."
Creativity
"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."
Humor
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."
Humility
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