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David Sedaris

"He has a passport,' my classmates would whisper. 'Quick, let's run before he judges us!"

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"He has a passport,' my classmates would whisper. 'Quick, let's run before he judges us!"

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Amber Hurdle

"Discovery is meant to fill in the need of the society."

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Amber Hurdle

"That's all YOU know,' said Digory. 'It's because you're a girl. Girls never want to know anything but gossip and rot about people getting engaged."

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Amber Hurdle

"Following trends on social media will not lead to social consciousness."

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Amber Hurdle

"I like it because when people use a lot of poker lingo, it usually means they've been playing the game for a while. Which is why I immediately avoid those people."

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Amber Hurdle

"To be scorned in the public because of your race is to let you know the degree of darkness in that particular society."

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Amber Hurdle

"A nonhot boy stares at you and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy...well."

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Amber Hurdle

"Sofia the kind of woman no matter what she have in her hand she make it look like a weapon."

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Amber Hurdle

"Give me a few minutes."You have time. He sat in the grass."Are you just going to sit there and watch me?"Yes. Watching pretty peasant girls is what we poor little rich boys do best."Peasant?He shrugged. "You started the name calling."

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Amber Hurdle

"May you be of service to mankind."

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Amber Hurdle

"There are now babies being born in our hospitals with crack or heroin habits, come on, fuck, no one would have dreamt such a horrible thing would happen to a newborn babies in Scotland. I didn't think the sons and daughters, mothers and fathers of Scotland would have been messed up in such a nasty circle of misery, depression, violence, suicides and prisons because of drugs."

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David Sedaris
"The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge."
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David Sedaris
"The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything?"
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David Sedaris
"Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it."
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David Sedaris
"I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the word audience was defined as anyone forced to suffer your company. We young actors were a string of lightbulbs left burning 24 hours a day, exhausting ourselves and others with our self-proclaimed brilliance."
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David Sedaris
"Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, 'Yikes! What the hell happened?"
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David Sedaris
"There are things you forget naturally-computer passwords, your father's continuing relationship with life-and then there are things you can't forget that you wish you could."
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David Sedaris
"I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself."
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David Sedaris
"Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you."
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David Sedaris
"Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels --it's time to head up and move on out."
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David Sedaris
"Hugh consoled me, saying, 'Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at.'When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think."
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