"I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."

"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."

"There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does."

"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'."