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Ellen DeGeneres

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

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"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."

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"God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal."

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"Small amounts of philosophy lead to atheism, but larger amounts bring us back to God."

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"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best."

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"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him."

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"The reader becomes God, for all textual purposes. I see your eyes glazing over, so I'll hush."

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"It is quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance."

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Asa Don Brown

"God's dice always have a lucky roll."

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"I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best."

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"You know what the Englishman's idea of compromise is? He says, Some people say there is a God. Some people say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere between these two statements."

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Asa Don Brown

"Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If he is not the image of God, then he is a disease of the dust. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head."

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Ellen DeGeneres
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."
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"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
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"Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
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Ellen DeGeneres
"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."
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