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"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath."
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"A man should be upright, not be kept upright."
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Personal Development
"In order that all men may be taught to speak the truth, it is necessary that all likewise should learn to hear it."
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Personal Development
"Let no such man be trusted."
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Personal Development
"When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is out of mind."
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Personal Development
"We must conceive of this whole universe as one commonwealth of which both gods and men are members."
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Personal Development
"Opposition may become sweet to a man when he has christened it persecution."
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Personal Development
"There are but very few men clever enough to know all the mischief they do."
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Personal Development
"Live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts."
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Personal Development
"A little skill in antiquity inclines a man to Popery."
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Personal Development
"If a man has nothing to eat, fasting is the most intelligent thing he can do."
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"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me."
School
"President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards."
Baseball
"In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani."
Elections
"Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity."
Fans
"Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years."
Controversy
"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
Party
"Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'"
Time
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
Woman
"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'"
War
"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath."
Man
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